No More Words - on aging parents

For many of you with an aging parent who requires care, here is book that a friend recommended to me: No More Words: A Journal of My Mother, Anne Morrow Lindbergh by Reeve Lindbergh. Reeve Lindbergh's style reminds me of her mother's, a soft, gentle use of words that is soothing, yet provocative. She shares the heart-warming, loving and sad journey of gradually losing a parent.

My Mom used to read Anne Morrow Lindbergh's books, and she particularly liked Gift from the Sea, so I felt an instant connection to a story about the author by her daughter. This is the first book that describes my mother's condition from Alzheimer's. Reeve Lindbergh writes of her own mother's decline, not from the same disease but from a series of strokes. The cause is different, the effect was the same. My Mom also lost her speech; there have been "no more words" for the past three years. My mother, after four years in an Alzheimer's facility, is still very aware of her surroundings. She knows all of the family, her aides and her dog. She reacts and responds to most questions. Even in her silence, she has a strong presence and a way to display appreciation and happiness by standing tall and smiling widely or display displeasure by grimacing, gesturing and shaking her walker.

Reeve Lindbergh does a touching job of conveying the care of her well-known mother. She provides an emotional picture, which is what I have looked for, and not found, from other authors. Reeve describes the fact that what we may need most from our aging parents is the validation we felt we never received when we were younger. She does not sound, however, like a whining child who has forgotten to grow up; she simply mentions the feeling as a reality. Too often books on aging parents have an underlying and dominant self-serving sentiment, when what I want to hear is some uplifting inspiration for the family with a sympathetic understanding of the suffering. Reeve does that for me.

She is describing my Mom when she says:

Her gaze is direct, but I don't know what she's looking at.
What are you looking at Mother? What do you see? (81-82)

Her previous body-shyness has melted away, as she is
touched over and over by careful, caring hands all day long...
She has finally let herself go now, giving herself up with no
comment at all, falling lightly as feathers and softly as snow
into our waiting hands. (80)

Anne Morrow Lindbergh is part of my Mom's generation. I see the similar concerns of being proper and worrying about what others might think. The differences between these women have melted as the ravages of aging create a similarity. I find some comfort in that.

Reeve Lindbergh mentions a dream she had in which the mother she remembered came to her and said about this new frail, silent mother, "You just have to take care of her." Tht is what we must do for our aging parents. While that might mean a different approach for each of us, it helps explain my current role. Thank you, Reeve Lindbergh, for reminding me that my job for my mother is simply "to take care of her."

This is a practical spirituality.

This is what we do to help the ones we love.

Real and Ideal

I just finished reading an article by Tom Huston in What is Enlightenment Magazine (Issue 36 Apr - Jun 2007). If you aren't aware of this magazine, you might want to check it out. It is one of the few I read consistently and one of the best on discussing all aspects of Spirituality. The magazine's website is www.wie.org.

Much of the article is irrelevant to this discussion, but the author reflects on an important aspect of Spirituality. He references Robert Rabbin, a spiritual teacher and executive coach, as he points out the distinction between the ideal and the real in relation to Spirituality. He asks about "authentic Spirituality or enlightenment." Rabbin suggests that "We get real, not ideal," trying to be sure any spiritual quest has a practical, everyday component. While Huston, the author of the article, partially agrees, he worries that Rabbin is being too "mundane." Huston wants to "change, to grow to mature, to develop, to evolve and to otherwise transform my oh-so-less-than-ideal human self."

Huston claims that "spirituality is inseparable from 'transcentent ideals.' Intellectual "self transcendence" and practical "self acceptance" seem to be opposite ends of a spectrum. Perhaps in the middle is where we should be. I agree with Huston. Spirituality does involve transformation and a striving for ideas, but that must be tempered with the daily, necessary chores of being in a human form.

New Spirituality Research

I recently read an article from a February 3, 2007 article in The Daytona Beach News-Journal. I just happened to see this article when I was passing through Daytona. The title of the article is "The Science Behind Spirituality." How fascinating that Spirituality is becoming such a popular topic. In my attempt to define the term, I love that there is more and more information available.

This article discusses the research that is going on at the Center for Spirituality and the Mind at the University of Pennsylvania. Did you even know such a Center existed? I found that out recently. The Center is looking into how our "spiritual beliefs and secular beliefs affect our health and behavior." The emphasis is on the effect of beliefs that can be tested neurologically, from the brain. The Center studies both secular and spiritual beliefs. Dr. Newberg, director of the Center, says that "Spirituality and belief don't have to equate to religious faith." Art and watching a sunset can create a sense of well-being. The Center has studied such a variety as the brains of Buddhists in meditation and Pentacostal Christians speaking in tongues.

While this study is relatively new and the emphasis is on the effects of belief on health, I find it encouraging that Spirituality and belief are claiming more attention. Spirituality is more than just the effects that can be determined by testing the brain, yet this is certainly one aspect. Any and all information to add to our knowledge of the subject is welcome. The effects of our beliefs may not define our beliefs, but the studies certainly add credence to the importance of those beliefs.

Quality and Spirituality

The title of this blog is a little misleading. I actually don't have anything to say about the relationship between quality and spirituality. What I want to comment on is a quote in the novel Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. I mentioned in my March 25th post that I was rereading this novel after having enjoyed it in the 60s.

The narrator is discussing his search for the definition of the word "Quality." On page 334, the narrator thinks, "Ancient Greece. Strange that for them Quality should be everything while today it sounds odd to even say quality is real. What unseen changes could have taken place?" I'm reminded that this same statement could be said today regarding Spirituality. How strange that if not in Ancient Greece than certainly in some ancient cultures and especially in the Native American tradition, Spirituality was part of everything and related to the way of life. Today, too often, we don't acknowledge this aspect of our lives as real. A little too harsh? Maybe, but not too far-fetched for many as our lives are torn by all the daily demands, leaving little time for anything that isn't "real" or relevant to tomorrow's tasks. I realize that fundamental Christians would disagree with my statement, but I am referring to the millions who find the organized religions a little too constraining.

"What unseen changes could have taken place?" Perhaps we all know that answer or maybe we don't. But in my quest to define Spirituality, I am reminded by the truth in that statement. Perhaps it is time to recognize those changes and bring Spirituality back into our lives as real. That is part of my quest in defining it. I realize I digress with this reference to the novel, but part of Spirituality is to honor our thoughts and feelings and digressions. Thank you for letting me do that.

Closer to a definition of Practical Spirituality

I am getting closer to a definition of Practical Spirituality - an attempt that has kept me occupied specifically in at least four other posts but in reality in most of my previous posts. I must admit that my greatest influence in even realizing the need for a definition is Ken Wilber in his Integral Spiritual, which I discussed in my March 12, 2007 post, I gave my reaction to his basic points of trying to incorporate Spirituality with other aspects of life and accepting its significant new role. I agree.

Now I want to use his argument on the necessity of having a definition of spirituality before attempting a serious discussion. Before reading his work, I just used the word as if we all knew what it meant. In reality, I didn't exactly know what it did mean. Webster's New World Dictionary's defines it as "of the spirit or the soul as distinguished from the body and the material matters." There are other definitions, but this one relates to the parameters I wish to discuss. Yes, when we discuss Spirituality, we are discussing things of the spirit or soul, not the body. These general words, however, point out the problem and need for clarification. What are those things? Let's look at Wilber's four possible definitions. He suggests Spirituality is one of the following:

1) the highest of any particular aspect of our lives, such as cognitive, emotional, or values;
2) a spiritual intelligence that is separate from intellect or emotions or any aspect of our
lives, but just as valuable as any other;
3) a peak experience, such as a meditative or religious experience;
4) a specific attitude that could be present at any time, such as love, wisdom, or compassion.

Like Wilber, I find the last definition too vague, although prevalent. It doesn't tell us anything and seems too much like the dictionary definition of relating to the soul or spirit. I agree that the other definitions are valid uses as I hear people discuss this topic.

For my discussion of Practical Spirituality, I find that the first definition works best. I want to discuss the highest aspect of our lives. The second definition seems to defeat the idea of integrating Spirituality into our lives. This second definition tends to separate Spirituality into its own category. I want my discussion related to everything, not a topic that exists in isolation.
The third definition is a valid one but not what related to what I am doing. I see this very specific event related to Spirituality but not encompassing its totality.

The highest aspect of our lives. That is getting me closer to a workable definition of the Spirituality part of my topic, "Practical Spirituality." Before completing my definition, or my attempt at a definition, however, there is at least one more step. I will discuss that in a later post.

What is Spirituality? - another discussion

I am continuing my effort to define Practical Spirituality. Today, I want to discuss the more general term of "Spirituality." Most of these comments are from my book, The Trust Factor: The Art of Doing Business in the 21st Century.

Spirituality is a belief in something greater than ourselves, a belief in a bigger picture. What we name this "greater than" is insignificant. What is important is that we each identify our beliefs, accept them, and use them as our standard for living. Whether those beliefs signify the highest good, right action, oneness with nature, oneness with others, or a combination of all of these, the similarities should be stressed. These similarities are the bond that allows us to tolerate and interact with one another.

There are some general principles that seem to be common in religious and spiritual paths worldwide. These include: compassion, unity, truthfulness, fairness, tolerance, responsibility, respect for life and service to all life. I wish we could learn to act on our common beliefs as opposed to dissecting and defending them. This would be a step toward an acceptable definition for Spirituality.

Practical Spirituality, a little more

I am going to continue to discuss "practical spirituality," but I am not trying to attempt a definition as much as an on-going look at the topic. I am developing a definition, and honestly don't feel as if I have a good one yet. While eventually I need to be able to provide parameters on the topic, now I would just like to establish come ground rules. Anything related to life is related to spirituality. There really are no limits.

If "Everything is connected" (see my website and free newsletter -- www.nottinstitute.org for more information on that), then everything in life is related to a discussion on spirituality. I feel strongly about that. Yet such a general statement does not help anyone, or myself, trying to have an intelligent debate on the topic. It is a good beginning and allows a free and open discussion. I am looking for others with whom to have this discourse.

In order to live life successfully, I believe we must set some personal guidelines for our spiritual aspect. Otherwise, we miss an important component of ourselves. Denying that seems to limit our lives. I want us all to live full lives, that is part of a successful life.